The Twins
by Dan Wier
My twin daughters, now a bit older than 14, were never by any stretch monsters. In fact, they are most probably 100% human. There are times, though, when I can’t help but think, “Well, that would explain a lot…” Here is how I imagine them in a pretty random mix of RPG (mostly AD&D) tropes.
14 Year Old Girls, “The Twins”
HP: 100 each
AC: 7 (2 when wearing Lululemon)
Alignment: Good*
“The Twins” are fearsome opponents. When not encountered in their lair, they will always be accompanied by one or two Caregivers (25% chance for two). They seldom resort to attacks which result in physical damage. Instead, they rely primarily on Mind Effect capabilities, but, on most days, the Twins are significantly less unpleasant than Mind Flayers.
LFMP – The Twins both possess LFMP – Leftover Food, Man Portable – defensive weapons in their respective lairs, and may employ them to create Unidentified Stench (85%), Roach Infestation (10%), or the dreaded Mouse (5%). Why they use this weapon is a mystery, though it is rumored that it is mostly used simply to irritate the other Twin (cf. Horrific Flatulence).
Special Abilities
Obtuse Speech – Obfuscation. The caster of this spell is instantly imbued with the Spirit of Perry Mason. This power has a different manifestation for each level at which it is cast (for example, level 1 is simply repeating the mantra “I know you are, but what am I?”). At level 14, a successful save vs. Yelling Into a Pillow will allow those subjected to this spell to disregard the effects, although they may (25% chance) be distracted (-1 on all saves) by faint strains of the ubiquitous Law and Order chords. A failed save results in Confusion, accompanied by the introduction to The Twilight Zone, as all reason and logic are abandoned at this point in the conversation.
Blank Stare – Obfuscation. There is no verbal component to this power. It is, instead, a battle of Will. The Blank Stare will compel all affected to beat their heads against nearby surfaces unless a save is made against Frustration. The caster of the Blank Stare is, however, susceptible to the Do You Like Your iPad counterspell.
Pouty Face – Charm. Causes a Caregiver to immediately do whatever the Twin asks, no matter how ridiculous. The saving throw vs. this spell is easily calculated by using the difference of the sum of the reciprocal of the age of the caster expressed as a percentage and the level of the caster, and the age of the target.
Auntie or Nana Will Do It – Summoning. Generally used subsequent to a failed Pouty Face spell. See the NPC descriptions of Auntie and Nana (sold separately) for more information.
Unmentionables – Words of Power. Invoking these words will cause some Caregivers to flee in terror (save at -4 vs. I Don’t Want to Talk About This). However, this save may be attempted daily, at +1 per day, and will inevitably result in a Frank Discussion, rendering these Words of Power ineffective.
I’ll Do That For You – Words of Power. This powerful incantation effectively calms any negative effects caused by some of the spells listed above, but only if the Twins use one of the physical spell components necessary to cast the spell. These components can include Dish Washer, Washer and Dryer, and Lawn Mower.
Heart-felt Hand-Written Letter – Artifact. These are treasures beyond compare, created by one or both Twins, rendering the Caregivers incapable of any feelings other than thankfulness. And I have saved every one of them.
*Note on AlignmentNot Fed status – When the Twins are Not Fed (and this has been true since they were only hours old), their alignment temporarily becomes Evil. Not lawful, neutral, or chaotic, just Evil. The best current defenses against metaphorically having your eyes clawed out are Ramen Noodles (70% chance of success), McDonalds (85% chance of success), and Ice Cream (95% chance of success, although, with Ice Cream, there is a 10% chance of causing Yucky Stomach, which makes Not Fed look like a cakewalk…)
Editor’s Note – Happy Father’s Day!
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